#who do you think you are with your little dakka

[martianjellyfish]

Got this AI bug during The Pacifism Defect earlier today. Stupid little Grineer dog, get your arse outta here before I kill you myself.

(It's apparently been fixed now. Maybe.)

[crackimagines]

Ooof I needs more rare or crack content! Uh.... Sonia's got a gun? Like er... Kokichi somehow convinces her that their country also is a fan of "The Hunt!" aka chasing down your s/o with a paintball gun in a game of cat and mouse to claim them as yours alone. The s/o has the proper armor.

Of course it’s Kokichi that convinces her that’s a thing.

Thanks for the ask, hopeful-blue-wanderer! I hope you enjoy!

- It all started with that son of a bitch, Kokichi.

- Sonia was going on about how much she wanted to make her and S/O’s anniversary special to Chiaki, and by chance Kokichi managed to overhear their conversation.

(Ouma) “Ya know, Sonia, why not participate in the hunt?”

(Sonia) gasp “This country has that culture as well?! I am so pleased!”

(Ouma) “We sure do, but uh…do enlighten me, whatcha planning to do now?”

(Sonia) “In order to make sure S/O is my own, I will hunt him down with the weaponry I carry on me right now!”

(Chiaki) “Oh no…”

(Ouma) “…What the fu-AHEM-Great! I’m sure he’ll love it!”

- And thus, started a hunt that the school was not prepared for

- Sonia had full on camouflage, wielding a rifle filled with paint ammo, and began unloading onto S/O unsuspectingly.

- What Kokichi had failed to realize with his offhand joke is that Novoselic continues the hunt until the other person yields.

- An entire week had passed, and their classrooms were filled with nothing but paint.

- Of course, Kokichi was greatly surprised and amused by this turn of events.

- However, no one else was, and they were starting to get sick of their shit, and everyone got together to form a plan.

(Fuyuhiko) “This shit’s getting ridiculous, we gotta stop this now.”

(Mondo) “How do ya propose we do that?”

(Souda) “I know, why don’t I get make S/O some armor to protect him, and we find the culprit responsible! Cause this is totally not Miss Sonia’s fault!”

(Ibuki) “Ibuki agrees, and it definitely isn’t S/O’s.”

(Mukuro) “So, we got the protection done, the question now is-”

(Maki) “Who do we kill for this?”

(Makoto) “I-I feel like we’re taking this a little too far.

(Junko) “Nah, murder’s totally an option!”

(Kyoko) “Well the main question is, who could’ve told Sonia that this ‘Hunt’ is part of Japan’s culture?”

(Chiaki) “…Oh, that was Kokichi.”

(Maki) “…What?”

(Chiaki) “Sonia was wanting to do something special for S/O, and Kokichi ran up and told her about this.”

(Mondo) “Why the fuck didn’t you mention this earlier in the week?!”

(Chiaki) “No one asked.”

(Maki) “I’ll be back-”

(Mukuro) “No, not today Maki. I think we’ll make this fitting. Souda, you said you got an armor in mind?”

(Souda) “Yeah, why?”

Later…

THUD THUD THUD THUD!

(S/O) “KOKICHI!”

“Ah, S/O! How’s the wife treating ya?…By the way, you gained a couple pounds or something? I can hear your footste-”

“-HOLY shit!”

“I got a question I wanna ask.”

“You told Sonia about that hunt, didn’t you? If I even feel like you’re gonna beat around the bush, I’m going to kill you.”

“Fuhuhu! Well Mr. Tin Can, maybe, maybe I didn’t! And besides, would you really have the guts to-”

WHIRRRRR-

DAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKA

WHiiirrr….

SPIITTZZ!

THUD!

[deltaengineering]

Winter Anime 2019 Part 4: That’s all, folks.

Over already? This is a pretty thin season with not a lot of shows, so it’s not that surprising that there’s not many good ones either. Still, a weak showing. Oh well, let’s get it over with. There were a few decent ones in the last batch.

Circlet Princess

What: Dimwitted schoolgirl is good at some vaguely defined virtual fighting sport, changes school based on it, finds out relevant club has been abolished. Forecast says: 5 member plot incoming.

❌ I think it’s already clear this show isn’t very ambitious, and not very well written either. A game adaptation at its laziest.

❌❌ Man, this girl is STUPID. What the hell.

❌ The rest of the cast are less stupid (which isn’t hard), but that just means they’re so forgettable they might as well not exist.

❌❌ It looks cheap, and by that I mean really really cheap. The character design is ISO standard anime and it’s mostly on model, but that’s as good as it gets. The animation just sucks. That’s a death sentence for an action/sports show with terrible characters.

Bermuda Triangle - Colorful Pastrale

What: Japanese Spongebob, as in cute mermaids. Doing things optional.

❌ To make this quick, this is almost exactly Pastel Memories, only every problem is just a little less extreme. It has fewer characters, it’s looking slightly better, there’s a tiny bit more going on, the setting is mildly more interesting. That still means it is:

❌❌ 1. A boring mess in which a handful of samey girls do nothing of much interest in a location that should be unique, but isn’t.

❌❌ 2. Conspicuously cheap. It even has the same sightline problems.

❌❌ 3. Featuring a character model sheet that is “off” even under the best circumstances. This time due to the very offputting decision to give everyone blobby triangular irises.

❌❌ Unlike Pastel Memories (which was an ad for a mobile game) this is an anime original, so it really has no excuse being this lame.

♎ I find it amusing that Pastel Palettes are providing the OP for an anime, and it’s not the one currently airing that they’re actually characters in.

Endro~!

What: Kiraralike comedy thing in a generic JRPG setting.

♎ Namori character designs, so it’s like Spyce in that it just seems like the Yuru Yuri cast cosplaying a genre. But hey, Namori character designs do look good.

❌ I’m not as done with generic JRPG settings as with generic isekai settings, but it’s still a real problem since the former is now a subset of the latter. Mildly making fun of it does not improve things much either.

✅ The tone is cutesy and pleasant. I find this much preferable to something like Mahoujin Guru Guru, which is pretty much the same thing but with abrasive, high-intensity slapstick instead.

✅ It’s backing that up with generally high-quality, agreeable pastel looks.

❌ Not being annoying is a start, but beyond that this seems very middle of the road and predictable. I don’t get much out of the genre “parody” and simply being cute is still not an unique selling point in anime.

Grimms Notes The Animation

What: Did someone say JRPG? This is a mobile one, vaguely based on fairy tales as the title implies.

✅ This universe runs on the idea that every NPC’s fate is controlled by a preset story they’re aware of. You could make a good story about that if you took it seriously. It even does that somewhat, but only to the degree that you’d expect from a throwaway sidequest in a moderately well-written JRPG.

❌ And the reason for that is that it has to make room for being a JRPG, of course. Read: It’s irritatingly mechanics- and combat-focused. Stuff like the characters changing form when in fights just seems overly complicated and adds nothing.

❌ Said combat looks competent, but not good enough to make up for detracting from what could have been an interesting setting. Merc Storia did this aspect far better (by usually not doing it at all).

❌ So it ends up being better than expected, but then that only amounts to a disappointment.

Kaguya-sama wa Kokurasetai / Kaguya-sama: Love Is War

What: Kaguya and Miyuki are in the student council of a prestigious school and HATE HATE HATE each other. Specifically, they hate the part where the other one won’t just finally admit their love.

✅ The joke here is that it’s operating on full intensity at all times, over the most simple matters. It’s pretty much Kaiji, only about dating - complete with hammy narrator. This is another one of those shows where I can’t say with certainty that it’s solid, but I had a blast during the first episode.

✅ Regarding Quintuplets, I made it clear that I love me some sparks in my romantic comedies. It doesn’t get much more explosive than this.

✅ The characters are comparable to Quints too: Smart scheming upstart vs. rich scheming ojou, with a simpleminded girl in the middle that ends up winning more often than not simply by not overdoing it.

✅ The visuals are just as over the top as the proceedings depicted. Occasionally a filter massacre, but mostly cool.

♎ The long-term viability of this show depend entirely on whether they can consistently come up with scenarios that work, which isn’t a given. Also, this is so intense it might become tiresome - I already felt some fatigue towards the end of the first episode. We’ll see, I guess.

Kakegurui ××

What: Some weirdos think they can crash the party at Hyakkaou with an intent to scare the daylights out of Yumeko and Midari, of all people. Let’s just say they were not as prepared as they thought.

✅ As you might have guessed by me watching the sequel, I liked Kakegurui. It has its problems, but if you’re down for some crazypants madness, this show delivers.

✅ This is one of the better episodes of it too, because it gets right into it and the game they play is dead simple. Kakegurui was never about smart moves or strong characters, so not having anything detract from our girls deriving the entirely wrong sort of pleasure from danger is a plus.

♎ Sadly, the OP is a step down (though still great) and the ED is simply an inferior, overcomplicated version of the magnificent original one. They seem to know this too, because they play the OP cut of Deal with the Devil in its entirety for a montage. The rest of the production is on par with the original though, so it’s fiiiine. Oh well.

❌ It got Netflix’d again and the subs situation is dire. Since this is one I actually like, I might have to wait for the official release.

Kouya no Kotobuki Hikoutai / The Magnificent Kotobuki

What: Piston-engined fighter plane pornography.

✅ This delivers where Girly Air Force failed: Close to zero exposition, the majority of the episode is just planes dogfighting with barely any talking either. And that part is executed really well. I think the plane startup sequence alone is as long as the total of Girly’s airtime.

✅ Guess what, it’s Tsutomu Mizushima, previously known for unbridled panzer (und girls) pornography, and boy can you tell. However, this cuts out a lot of GuP’s bullshit: A plane doesn’t have the cast of K-ON in it, it’s not over-the-top zany, and whatever this universe is, it can’t be as insipid as GuP’s. The classy milwank exists you guys, we found it.

✅✅ The music really helps here, sky pirates vs zeppelins just wouldn’t work without some classic swashbuckling orchestra background. Fat sound mixing on the dakka too. It’s great.

♎ Can’t really say much about the narrative because we kinda skipped that in this episode aside from the obvious, but Mizushima’s Shirobako collaborator Michiko Yokote is writing it, and that’s a good sign.

❌ Now we’re getting to the elephant in the room though: There’s no way the planes wouldn’t be CG in 2019, but the characters are CG too, and their animation is mediocre. Also, they did the KADO thing where they 2D-animated the side characters that aren’t important enough to model. This has the funny side effect that you can tell who’s going to die real soon by them looking better. It’s far from great, but probably a worthy tradeoff if the mechanical side is this extensive and also delivers.

✅ This is definitely not for everyone, since you have to have more than a casual appreciation for those magnificent girls in their flying machines. I do, though.

revisions

What: A chunk of Shibuya gets teleported to the dystopian future, local doomsday prepper gets handed a large robot because he’s special.

❌ A Goro Taniguchi joint being a poorly conceived scifi mess? Say it ain’t so! I especially dig the tryhard English jargon (mecha: “String Puppet”, monsters faction: “Revisions”, particular monster, I think?: “Civilian”, tacticool operetah: “Balancer”).

❌ Works very hard to characterize the main character, to the detriment of everyone else. A for effort, but you made an unlikeable asshole though.

❌ This is another full CG show, with the quality of the animation being curiously variable. Sometimes it’s well above average and sometimes it’s painful. There doesn’t seem to be much method to it.

✅ Tries to establish stakes by being mondo edgy and graphically murderizing some poor bystanders. It’s adorable.

❌ If you’re really jonesing for some mecha, you can watch all of this on Netflix right now. It’s not like you have any alte- wait, Egao no Daika has mecha too. Well there you go then. That’s a better show.

[krinsbez]

GI Joe: Remixed, Semi-Random Trivia, About Semi-Random Joes

An incomplete list of Joes who are members of minority groups; please make suggestions for additions, as there are many, many Joes with whom I am unfamiliar:

(some of these placements will be elaborated on below)

AFRICAN-AMERICAN:

Stalker

Roadblock

Doc

Doc II

Alpine

Stretcher

Hardball

Iceberg

Heavy Duty

Big Lob

Freight

Quick Stryke

Grill

Cool Breeze

Ripcord

ASIAN-AMERICAN:

Jinx

Quick Kick

Budo

Tunnel Rat

Ronin

Rico

Firewall

Black Dragon (?)

DESI:

Hashtag

LATINO:

Shipwreck

Law

Lady Jaye

Alpine

Dynamite

Hot Sauce

ARAB-AMERICAN:

Breaker

Sgt. Slaughter

NATIVE AMERICAN:

Spirit

Airborne

PACIFIC ISLANDER:

Torpedo

Red Dog

SIKH:

Hashtag

JEWISH:

Clutch

Bazooka

Budo

ISLAMIC:

Breaker

Sgt. Slaughter

QUAKER:

Lifeline

NEURO-ATYPICAL:

Helix

-Sgt. Slaughter is NOT the professional wrestler born Robert Remus, but received his codename due to a coincidental resemblance to said pro wrestler. That said, he did wrestle in college, where he majored in Classics. Note that he is still serious about his classics studies; he is fluent in both Ancient Greek and Latin, and is knowledgeable about not only Classical literature, but also the history, mythology, culture, etc. of Ancient Greece and Ancient Rome.

-Alpine is mixed-race, having African-American, Caucasian, and Latin ancestry; people's efforts to pin him down to one or the other and inability to do so is a constant source of amusement to him.

-Lady Jaye is biracial; her father is as WASP as one can be without being a Boston Brahmin (although they're adjacent), while her mother is from Latin America; note that her mother's family is also filthy rich and aristocratic. Also, she's a distant cousin of Destro and Darklon.

-Rico is a character of our own creation, a Fillipina-American who's primary MOS is powered armor, specifically the Accelerator suit from Rise of Cobra

-Firewall is a young, Asian woman ala DDP rather than an older, Caucasian woman ala IDW.

-Riffing on Rise of Cobra, Breaker's parents are from Morocco.

-Budo periodically notes that both sets of grandparents spent WWII in camps; his paternal grandparents in an internment camp, his maternal grandparents in a concentration camp.

-Ripcord and Cover Girl have more-or-less their IDW backstories.

-Lifeline's aikido skills are such that he's one of the top ten best hand-to-hand combatants in GI Joe. Granted, his pacifist beliefs mean he rarely showcases them; "getting Lifeline in the ring" is a Joe colloquialism for a task that is very difficult and unlikely to end well for you.

-As with many other military regulations, the rules against fraternization are not strictly enforced for Joes, so Flint/Lady Jaye, Scarlett/Snake Eyes, and Jinx/Falcon are things.

-Dial-Tone and Hard Drive are A: female, and B: hot.

-Dial-Tone is the nerdiest nerd to ever nerd, or at least, as much as possibly whilst being an attractive woman. She also barely qualified to be a Joe physically. That said, she did, in fact, qualify, and is thus eminently capable of kicking your ass.

-Clockspring is kinda a creeper. He hasn't done anything explicitly against the regs, but he's come veeery close. As a result, Hard Drive, Firewall, Dial-Tone, and Hashtag frequently receive sympathy from other female Joes about having to work with him, which leaves them confused, because while Clockspring is aware of their gender, he slots them into his head as fellow nerds and doesn't creep on them at all.

-Clockspring also posts on a number of Incel/MRA/RedPill sites, although he keeps getting banned for telling other posters to take it down a few notches.

-Quick Kick has always been a movie guy; he got into martial arts because he realized that Hollywood is kinda racist and expects Asian-American performers to know chop socky stuff. That said, he turned out to be better at it than at acting, so ended up becoming a stunt double. Then the Cobra War happened, he joined the Army and eventually ended up in GI Joe.

-Freight, somewhat similarly, was a star linebacker, who walked away from a multi-million dollar contract to enlist when the Cobra War began. He greatly dislikes being compared to Pat Tillman.

-Contrary to what you'd expect, Freight and Red Dog (who could've been a star if he hadn't been tossed out of the NFL for frequent unnecessary roughness) get along really well.

-GI Joe's first fighter ace, somewhat ironically, was not Ace (who's codename comes form being a card shark), but Slipstream. However, Ace was the first Joe to become Ace In A Day.

-No one can remember Ghostrider The Stealth Pilot's codename, which he is surprisingly OK with, as long as they don't call him by someone else's codename...whereupon he will start calling that person by someone else's codename.

-All the Joe pilots are qualified to fly all Joe aircraft, with the possible exceptions of the Defiant and SHARCs, so Wild Bill can fly a Skystriker and Ace can fly a Tomahawk and Lift-Ticket can fly a Phantom and Ghostrider The Stealth Pilot can fly a Mudfighter and Dogfight can fly a Vector and Maverick can fly a C-130 or Dragonfly, etc.

-Quick Kick holds regular movie nights; Sgt. Slaughter is banned due to his habit of pointing out all the inaccuracies whenever QK puts on a sword-and-sandal flick.

-Roadblock and Heavy Duty are cousins. In addition to their size (which is not just "big" but freakishly its-a-miracle-they-don't-have-health-problems HUGE) and fondness for MOAR DAKKA, they also share a passion for cooking. Roadblock is a master chef, specializing in Soul Food and French haute cuisine (both nouvelle and classique), though he's also excellent at classic Italian and most American regional specialties. In general, Heavy Duty is almost as good and in some cases better (he is an internationally ranked sushi chef, for example), but rather than rely on a standard repertoire, he prefers to experiment, either with exotic foreign or newly-invented dishes he's just heard of or bizarre creations of his own; his success is...mixed.

-Quick Kick has a habit of reciting quotes from Little Caesar every time he runs into Rico in a hallway or whatever. She does not know that's what he's doing and is generally puzzled by the whole thing.

-Mainframe has a thing going on with Zarana.

-When Jinx and Falcon started dating, they got shovel speeches from Duke and Snake Eyes, respectively (yes, despite Snake Eyes being unable to talk). In addition, Storm Shadow kidnapped Falcon...then took him out to dinner, cuz he wanted to get to know his cousin's boyfriend. And because Falcon is Falcon, they ended up bar/club-hopping. Meanwhile, Duke, who only knew his baby brother was abducted by Cobra Commander's personal assassin, was ready to start World War III.

-Cross-Country believes he has a duty to reclaim the family honor he believes was lost when his ancestors took up arms to fight for slavery. His choice of outfit is bait, to trick racists and CSA apologists to make themselves known to him so he can punch them in the face.

-Quick Kick has a Japanese father and a Korean mother. As a result, when he fights the Red Ninjas, they call him a half-breed and talk shit about his mom. He deals with it by kicking their asses.

-Clutch and Rock'n'Roll are best buds. Ditto Bazooka and Alpine. Also Leatherneck and Wetsuit, albeit of the vitriolic kind where they fight constantly.

-Shipwreck is a SEAL.

-Clutch and Budo once went out together to get tattoos of their grandparent's numbers.

-Quick Kick took it upon himself to put together a crash course in cinema since the '70s for Sgt. Savage, and had to be reminded that showing him movies about Vietnam maybe wasn't the best idea.

-Grand Slam, Sci-Fi, and Red Spot are SF/F nerds. Flash is not, and gets annoyed when people assume he is.

-Spirit does not look particularly stereotypical.

-Among GI Joe's many secret mini-bases is one located in a Las Vegas casino; Ace regularly requests a transfer there, as it is the only way he will ever be allowed into a Las Vegas Casino.

-Airborne is genuinely psychic. That said, he's not very powerful; he just has "hunches" that are always right.

-Clutch has an unfortunate habit of running into secret Cobra activity whenever he goes on leave. Seriously, Every. Single. Time.

-Order is much, much more obedient than Junkyard, partially due to natural temperament but largely because Law trained him that way; Law's...kinda contemptuous of the fact that Mutt has not similarly trained Junkyard, and the two of them don't really get along because of it.

-Falcon used to hate Shipwreck, because every strategy he came up with to try and smuggle hookers into the Pit failed because 'Wreck had already tried it. Though, he's mellowed out about it since he started dating Jinx.

-Snake Eyes is under orders to have regular therapy sessions with Psyche-Out (because for obvious reason he's kind of a mess, psychologically); that Etch-a-Sketch is real handy.

-GI Joe has official social media, run by Hashtag, of course. However, the Joes take turns running the official GI Joe twitter account which leads to WMG from the people following trying to figure out who is doing it at any given time, which leads to the Joes deliberately trying to do it in other Joe's style. So, say, Shipwreck will fill it up with rhymes about cooking so people will think it's Roadblock, and Roadblock will do it in French and keep mentioning gumbo and gators so people think it's Gung Ho, and Gung-Ho keeps throwing in Star Wars references so people think it's Sci-Fi, etc. Duke hates doing it, so is very terse, so everyone always assumes he's Snake Eyes (which is hilarious to people who know Snake, who was an inveterate chatterbox before he became mute).

-Note that they also are allowed to have their own social media.

-Cover Girl's social media is a battleground, between her fans from her modeling/reality-show days and her fans since joining GI Joe.

-Heavy Duty has a youtube show where he discusses his cooking experiments. The episodes where Roadblock guest-stars are the most popular, since you now have a 100% chance of the result being edible instead of 50/50.

-Snake Eyes has a Twitter account under his real name, which is really, really active, and really, really inane, because he needs some outlet for his natural chatterbox tendencies.

-As stated, Duke does not believe in social media. As a result, there is a bit of a competition amongst the Joes to trick him into appearing on theirs.

-Cross-Country has a blog where he calls out Confederate apologists. He's been banned from multiple Civil War forums and subreddits and such for flaming same.

-Barbecue mostly goes on about Boston sports

[asktheraggededges]

If you woke up knowing that today was the day you were gonna die, what would you do differently?

‘Ave one last cold one wiv da boys. Strap meself wiv boms and dakka and knives and flash gubbinz and go bakk to da jungle. Put a fukkin gap in em wun last time.

[subject smiles very very slightly but says nothing]

Get my affairs in order. Fill out all the appropriate paperwork so as not to be a bother for anyone. Leave my possessions, the few that there are, to the appropriate people. My Corporal, My Commissar and what little family I have. Take my shotgun, and slip away quietly. Find trouble. Keep fighting until my time comes.

Call bullshit. Fuck what you know. Fuck fate. 

I was born in to this world kicking and screaming and by fuck that’s how I’m leaving. Let whoever, or whatever is responsible for the injustice at removing me from this plane of existence suffer for what they have done.

A last glass of the good stuff.  A little cake, maybe if it was there. Apologise to everyone.

I’d..I’d tell her how I feel. 

Fuck it, I’d kiss her.

Not cool to do so, but..nothing to lose, right?

Smoke ‘em if you got em. Go down fighting and looking sharp. All I’d want.

Already.

[subject gives a small, bitter laugh]

I wouldn’t even be allowed to feel relieved. I’d just end up worrying about them.

No sense worrying about it. I’d try to instruct people. Get someone - maybe Ike or Mags to look after my gardens. Grab some edibles and drift off into space. No big fuss. No big deal.

J’know? I would love to have one last gallop. Not fussed. They’ve all been wonderful. Clean up, dress up. And have one last drag and a brandy as I watched a sunset somewhere. I think, perhaps, that would be an acceptable end.

Mama would worry so much. Who’d look after my little ones?

I would do everything I could to make Angie happy one last time. But, then she would know something was up and she’d be sad anyway. Its a conflict. Best to do, nothing. Just…business as usual. Leave her a note if I can find the words.

Your sister.

I’d imPArT the SuM of aLL my kNOwLeDge to soMeOne. 

MayBe the SpEcK.

SpEnD tiMe wiTh tHe bOss. SoMe tIme with Grisholm. KiSS him AGAin.

fInALLy..I wOuLd see NaDa. InSisT that sHe cONSUME me in fuLL. So thAT my deATH and the MAGNIFIcence of My PowEr is NEIther CorRUPted or causes TrOUbLe for thOsE I caRE abOUt.

Forget the hearse cause I’ll never die!

I got

Nine lives!

Cats eyes!

I don’t know. I don’t. Die fighting, please.

I’d do my duty. Same as always. If I had time for a last drink and a roll in the hay, sure. But there are things to be done and people die every day. Cogs keep turning. Shove it, keep walking.

Fool question.

It’s a conflict. On one hand, I would love to be surrounded by these guys, the people I care about, before I go. For the last thing I see to be their smiling faces. But that’s kind of selfish, you know?

I think, so long as it was worth it, I’d find my peace with it all. Dying taking down a really big dude, or giving my life to save a bunch of others, I’d be okay with that.

On the understanding that no statues get built. No places get named. Don’t even write down what I did. Tell people of what I did only if they ask. Whatever happens, don’t let anyone call me a fucking hero.

Let the water be taken from me. Then commit me to space. or the earth. Whatever. No day should be any different. 

Look after him.

Behg pess ahp. A bawnk.

Destroy what’s un finished. Spend time with Wes. My main wish, however foolish and unlikely is to die as myself. Send a message to Briton so they can collect my armour. A little music. Some port if someone can spare it. 

I bagel know. 

I float it would be very beautiful to hold close first friend best friend longest time only friend Zune.

I bagel be leaves I can be by the grand big golden couch. I have nothing to go there with. No ticket. No bottom of the shoes.

So there is no thing for me after the adjserious or solemn in manner or appearance.

If the last thing I hear is her. if the last thing I feel is her.

I am fine with this. it’s okay.

Hmmmmm?

Hm. Upload everything. Absolutely everything. My mind, my thoughts, my dimensions and physiology. Multiple terminals. Even onto nebulous data transmissions. Some one will find it. Maybe someday some mad man will find a way to make me again and I can pick up where I left off. Hope. Hope for humanity and technology and the harmonious fusion of both…that is what I believe in. It’s worth believing in.

[subject pointedly doesn’t look into the camera and is barely audible]

I wouldn’t do a goddamn thing different.

Shit, man. I don’t wanna think about stuff like that! Come on! There’s ALWAYS a way.

I’d only tell Jonny. I’d do whatever she wanted me to do from there. If we spend all day in bed, so be it. If she collects my thoughts for the future because, for whatever reason she thinks they’re valuable, so be it. If she just wants me to leave quietly, so she doesn’t have to see me die, or feel me die so be it. I understand the revolting world of war and the worse world of politics. I wouldn’t know what to do.

Stiff upper lip. Let it mean something. Let it be dignified and purposeful. keep smiling. Keep singing. It’s a drop in the ocean. I don’t want any tears. The sun will rise. Humanity will prevail. Play up and play the game.

Is not likely. I am invincible! 

But should worst come to worst. Let me die knee deep in stupid baby enemies or with Solnishko in my arms.

No alternative acceptable.

I..I dunno. Heh. Uh.

I guess…take off all the passwords.. hand out some data chips. 

Just…give access to all the data…the writing, the footage the sound bytes..

All the …stuff..for lack of a better description that will let anyone who cares know who we are. Or who we were. Let our story be known to anyone who wants to know.

Maybe they’ll learn from it.

Maybe they’ll find it interesting.

That’s ah…all I I’d really like..

KAEL TORNIC

Doug Boyd/ Masaya Onosaka

[hoitash]

Adventure Two: The Faerie’s Response!

An lo, another Fifth Fiction Friday is upon us. Let us partake of this grand adventure by observing the glories of seventeenth century firepower.

Dakka, dakka:

[thedargonden]

[11] STRAWBERRY CHEESEPIE

November 1st, XX19

4:00 PM.

Phoenix is in the loungeroom kitchen with a chef's hat on.

She hums to herself while gathering her ingredients on the kitchen counter.

PHOENIX: "Orie!! Come here!"

Slumping out of the hallway, Orie quickly turns the corner to scowl at Phoenix.

ORIE: "What?"

PHOENIX: "I'm about to make you a cheesecake! What do you want on it?"

Orie's eyes just about roll right out of her head.

ORIE: "Look, you know I like cheesecake but that doesn't mean I want it literally every day. I just had some for Halloween."

PHOENIX: "But you can't ever have too much of a good thing!"

As Phoenix said that, her hat falls off and she catches it before it hits the ground.

ORIE: "And you're a 'walking example' of that."

Phoenix puts her chef's hat back on over her horns again.

PHOENIX: "Awww, such a nice thing to say!"

ORIE: "No! God dammit, do you know what sarcasm is?"

PHOENIX: "Hey, no need for that kind of language!"

ORIE: "What, SARCASM? Does that word offend you?"

PHOENIX: "Oh Orie, you know what I meant."

ORIE: "Whatever...

How about you make like... a pie instead? You've got most of the ingredients for that anyway. Graham cracker crust? Strawberries?"

PHOENIX: "You're right! I'll make...

A CHEESEPIE!"

ORIE: "That's not what I had in mi-"

PHOENIX: "Hush, I've already made up my mind! A strawberry cheesepie!"

ORIE: "That's not a real thing."

PHOENIX: "WELL IT IS NOW!"

Phoenix grabs all of her ingredients and pushes them to the side where she could use them when she needs to, while Orie leans against the fridge, watching her.

ORIE: "Are you okay, Phoenix? You seem to be acting... different than usual."

PHOENIX: "Pfff, what? Different? How do you mean?"

ORIE: "Well, last night you were cursing and screaming about tomatoes trying to kill you, until I stepped in and solved it for you."

PHOENIX: "Wait, THOSE tomatoes? No way, they were so cute and cuddly! They just wanted hugs!"

Phoenix steps away from the counter, making sure to set her knife down.

PHOENIX: "Tom! Come here, girl!"

A little stubby tomato creature runs out of the hall doorway and yips in joy.

PHOENIX: "See? Cute!"

ORIE: "But I remember you were definitely cursing."

PHOENIX: "I never curse! I believe you're mistaken."

ORIE: "You were definitely...

Huh. I guess...

I must be remembering it wrong then?"

Orie feels something inside her resonate within her mind. A strange presence... It almost feels like herself, but her mind reading powers aren't supposed to work internally...

This string of thought tells her that the events of last night aren't what Phoenix describes, and that neither Phoenix nor Orie are really like this... but Orie realizes this is no more than a silly intrusive thought and the two dragons have always been like this.

ORIE: "Hrm. I guess you're right. It must have been some dream."

PHOENIX: "Pfff, see Orie? Tom doesn't have a violent bone in her body!"

Phoenix picks Tom up, and kisses her forehead before hugging her close.

ORIE: "She doesn't even have any bones. Also isn't she just going to rot and die in like a week or so?"

PHOENIX: "Oh, you're right. I gotta enchant her!"

;I enchant this tomato to never ever rot or go bad, but have a healthy lifespan for a tomato creature!;

ORIE: "How long is a 'healthy lifespan' for a tomato creature???"

PHOENIX: "I'd say maybe half a year? Give or take?"

Suddenly, Arakados walks in from the hallway with a blank expression. They round the corner to see Phoenix holding the tiny tomato creature and their face lights up. They rush over and smile creepily, snout extremely close to the tomato.

ARAKADOS: "Mmmmmm! That would go PERFECTLY on a pizza!" ò.u.ó

Phoenix gasps and snatches Tom away from Arakados.

PHOENIX: "NO! Dakka, Don't you DARE!"

ARAKADOS: "It's tomato. Tomato is food. Pizza is food. So tomato should go on pizza!"

PHOENIX: "No! Not this tomato! She's my pet!"

ORIE: "I thought it was my pet."

PHOENIX: "Just by you calling her an it, you've revoked your rights to her as a pet."

ARAKADOS: "IT BELONGS ON PIZZA!"

Arakados lunges for Tom, who's blocked by Orie.

ORIE: "Arakados! What's gotten into you???"

Arakados's head tilts in confusion and they stop.

PHOENIX: "What? This is classic Arakados behavior! I thought you knew this, being their girlfriend and everything!"

ORIE: "But... I swear, they were nice... and a really cool dragon... and-"

PHOENIX: "Are YOU okay, Orie? Do you have one of those mind reader feedback loop migraines or something?"

Orie looks at Phoenix. She's slightly concerned, but overall happy in her mind. She looks to Arakados, staring down the Tomato, barely taking note in whatever crisis is happening.

This is... normal.

Right?

This is how she remembers things being for a long time...

But why is there something in her mind telling her otherwise?

ORIE: "Right. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just feeling off and confused right now"

PHOENIX: "Well obviously! Let me make you a cheesepie and maybe then you'll feel better."

ORIE: "Fine. Hey Arakados, I've got a pizza. You want to eat it with me over there?"

Orie points her left index claw toward the sofa.

ARAKADOS: "PIZZA?" o.w.o

ORIE: "Yep. Got some just for us in my bag."

Orie reaches into her dimensional bag, decorated in pink, and stickers of cheesecakes and hearts. She can't remember why she decorated it like that, it's sorta embarrassing.

She reaches inside the bag and pulls out a big pizza box. Arakados's attention is fully on Orie now.

Orie opens the box to show a heart shaped pizza before she blushes and closes it in embarrassment.

ARAKADOS: "HEART PIZZA!" O . W . O

PHOENIX: "Awwwwww, Orie!"

ORIE: "Shut up!"

Orie drags Arakados to the sofa to eat it.

She opens the box again and realizes it hasn't been cut yet.

ORIE: ;I cast this spell to cut this pizza in equal eighths.;

In response, the pizza cuts itself in 8ths. Then does it again. And again. And again. Cutting it into many pieces nonstop. Arakados's head tilts with concern.

ORIE: "No! Wait! Stop!"

;Stop!;

The pizza just continues splitting individually.

ORIE: "Uhm!"

;.shthgie lauqe ni azzip siht tuc to spell siht tsac I;

The cutting stops and Arakados stares at the carnage. Instead of a crispy heart shaped pizza, it's now a big glob of cheese, tomato sauce, and bread.

ORIE: "Well, that was a mistake..."

Arakados reaches in the box to try pulling out a slice, but only just grabs a handful of mashed pizza. They cringe at the feeling of holding it, but puts it to their nose to smell it and then puts it in their mouth.

ARAKADOS: "Oooooooh! It's now pizza mash!"

Orie stares at them in disbelief. This isn't Arakados... is it? The real Arakados would look at this and realize this was a destroyed pizza, and not...

ORIE: "Pizza... mash? That... doesn't exist. Did you just make that up?"

Instead of responding, Arakados closes the... pizza mash box and takes off with it toward the hallway.

ARAKADOS: "MY pizza mash!!!"

ORIE: "Arakados, what the hell! I'm still hungry!"

They just continue out into the hallway to who knows where without saying a word.

PHOENIX: "Orie! Language!"

ORIE: "No, shut the fuck up! Am I the only sane one here? Neither of you are acting the way you're supposed to!

Am I even acting like normal?!? Oh god, am *I* also crazy???"

Phoenix sets down her ingredients and looks over to Orie on the sofa, her hands covering her eyes in frustration.

PHOENIX: "Who says I'm 'supposed' to act a certain way?

Seriously, Orie... I think you need to lay down for a bit and drink a lot of water. I'm worried you might be sick..."

ORIE: "No! I'm not sick! God dammit! Everyone's fucking insane, including me!"

Phoenix shrugs.

PHOENIX: "Orie, I don't know what to tell you... This is how it's always been..."

Orie points at Phoenix with her left hand.

ORIE: "No! Fuck you! I don't care what you're saying! It's untrue and you know it!"

Phoenix stares at Orie, hurt.

PHOENIX: "I..."

Orie notices a tear form in Phoenix's eye, making her even more angry at herself.

ORIE: "Fucking GREAT!!! Now I'm upsetting you! What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Orie smashes her head into her hands a couple of times.

PHOENIX: "O... Orie..."

ORIE: "No, you know what? I’m going away from you before I say something I don't mean. You don't need my shit right now."

Orie stands up and walks to the door, fuming.

PHOENIX: "Orie...!"

ORIE: "Bye."

She opens the front door and walks out, slamming the door behind her and leaving Phoenix alone in the kitchen with her cheesepie ingredients.

PHOENIX: "..."

Phoenix's chef's hat falls off of her head again, on top of Tom, blissfully unaware of what just transpired.

Tom shakes the hat off of her and peeks out to see Phoenix leaving her ingredients on the counter and heading to her room.

She doesn't feel like baking anymore.

[sburbian-sage]

Prospitians and Dersites

A small list of all those cute carapacians and what role they have.

Artillery Deputy/Ace Dick/Angelic Dude

Alignment: Prospit

A short stout Prospitian, and one of the 3 agents for the golden planet. He, like the others, is willing to jump into action, and does a damn fine job of it, but is rather peculiar. He is very strong, but has an incredibly poor imagination and is not creative at all. Talking to him is poking a brick wall to find the Magicant. But he has his upside. Particularly, an access to lots of guns. He usually totes a tommy gun, a shotgun, or in some cases, a minigun. Don’t bring him for utility, befriend him for the dakka. He’s also great as a tank. But watch his health, because his special move is taking a shot directly in the gut.

AD’s imagination is so poor, the game doesn’t even know his recruitment parameters. Just try asking politely. I think you should try tootsie rolls?

In certain cases, AD will take the identity of Ace Dick when exiled and join a gang of investigators, which is really ridiculous, but still cool. His lack of imagination shows here because he makes a name instead of a title like his friends, but at least it fits the theme of being named AD.

If AD gets the Ring, he becomes the Angelic Dude, and will be very powerful. Unfortunately, his low imagination means he won’t use any of his powers to any great extent. He’ll still be hardy though.

Authority Regulators

Alignment: Any

What is pretty much the police. If you break the law, they’ll bust down on you. There’s 3 types, each with a rating matching the level of crime they solve. The first one is Petty Guards, for petty crimes like littering and squabbles. They look like regular carapaces in a suit. They are cutely inefficient, and actually kind of fun to mess with. The second type are Standard Guards, for standard crimes like assault, theft, and vandalism. They look a bit rougher, and will go to great lengths to finish the job. This makes them great allies, aces in the sleeve, and occasionally monkey wrenches. Then we get Serious Guards for serious crimes, like murder, mass destruction, and unpaid parking tickets. That might be a bug. They will solve problems with violence and guns if they have them. They also tend to be more of a problem for the player than anyone else. Keep in mind that the guards are called based on the seriousness of the crime, but if one is in the area they will come, regardless of their level. This results in Serious Guards threatening to kick your shit in for missing the trash can, and Petty Guards trying to stop a Rampaging Player.

These guys are made for comedic sociopathy.

If any of them come across The Ring, they will return it to the proper Royalty. However, Derse Guards will take a WK/WQ ring to Derse, while a Prospit Guard will take a BK/BQ Ring to Derse. Talk about lawful stupid.

Black King

Alignment: Derse

The main villain. He leads the Derse armies on the Battlefield and can always be found there. His armies are always destined to win and the game reaches its peak when the players challenge his claim to The Ultimate Reward.

Black Queen

Alignment: Derse

The Queen of Derse. Despite being presumably being married with the King, she seems to cavort with Jack Noir quite a bit. However, the SGRUB version explicitly states that Jack and Queen have a Kismesissitude, which includes polyamory, so she’s not cheating in SGRUB, while might be in SBURB. But nobody is stopping her, because the Queen is very powerful. In fact, a fully prototyped Queen will sometimes be more of a challenge than a fully prototyped King. Killing the Queen then the King is a challenge in Replayer circles. But you may want to do that later, as the Queen can give favours and even be asked for assistance. Just keep in mind that she is a vain beast, so be sure to be humble and compliment her every other sentence.

Courtyard Droll/Clubs Deuce/Capricious Demon

Alignment: Derse

One of the Derse Agents, but don’t worry. All he does is sit around and dance with his stupid hats and umbrellas, and get bullied by the other Agents. DD is probably the nicest because he just puts his cigarettes out on him. This one is marked with a Clubs, and he tends to settle disputes. SGRUB refers to him as a loose Auspistice, so him stopping you and a friend fighting is actually somewhat lecherous. Kinda. Regardless, he doesn’t look much, and his unassuming nature is his strength, as he can get by undetected and unexpected and do some serious damage, including theft. And if he gets his hands on explosives, you’re severely disadvantaged, if not dead. Knocking off his hat will stun him, so take advantage of it. And whatever you do, don’t get hit by his cane. It’s... upsetting.

You can actually recruit CD temporarily by wearing a hat and showing interest and knowledge in hats. Just don’t get addicted to hats. That’s a documented mental illness and it fucks up everything.

If he gets exiled, he will probably join a gang with the other Agents as their powder monkey. But if he gets the Ring, he becomes the Capricious Demon. If this is the case, he usually follows a plan of doing empowered tasks for the other agents, realizing he is more powerful, murdering all of them out of revenge, and then claiming The Ultimate Reward for himself. He will also gain a bit more pyromaniacal traits, and will blow up The Ultimate Reward. Stop him before he does this. Recruiting the other agents if they’re alive is best for this, but make sure they don’t betray you. 

Filching Rapscallion/Filthy Roughneck

Alignment: Derse

A lowly thief who lives in alleyways. He’ll probably steal things from you and the royalty, but mostly out of survival. Hell, if he gets the Ring, he won’t even think about putting it on, he’ll try to sell it. Despite his criminal nature, he’s actually nice, and can be called upon for help and even recruitment. You can trade your items and boondollars for his black market/stolen/illegal items, and feeding him a feast’s worth of food means he’ll be in your debt. In battle, he fights with a knife and can score brutal sneak attacks and backstabs. A little bit of a glass cannon, but an expert dodger. Any kills he lands also pays out more grist. He’ll eventually ask you to help him steal his Thief Armour from Prospit and Thief Knife from Derse, and doing so will net you lifetime loyalty, discounts, and his best armour and weapons. He’s one of my go-to NPCs. The only disadvantage is that he won’t enter jailhouses, buying from him is a Standard Crime, and him following you is a Petty Crime.

Draconian Dignitary/Diamonds Droog/Destructing Duke

Alignment: Derse

One of the Derse Agents. He’s the classy one marked with a Diamond. He is a slacker, and spends most of his time smoking and reading his newspaper. Please do not read the newspaper. On that note, troll girls, stay away, and human girls, don’t paint yourself grey. However, despite his slacking off and odd interests, he is a powerful man. He’s Jack’s second-in-command, and in SGRUB versions, his Moirail. He’s extremely charismatic, and can sweet-talk anyone, even some players! And if all fails, his pool cue and twin automatic rifles even the field. Be careful of this one. Even if you exile him, he does the same thing, just as Diamonds Droog, and he’s dressed better.

You can recruit DD by being a grey lady for uncomfortable reasons, but the more respectable way to do it is showing good taste in fine jazz, and lighting his cigarettes every once in a while. In addition to his regular traits, he boosts fraymotif power.

If DD gets the Ring, he’ll either hand it to Jack, or wear it himself and become the new boss, Destructing Duke. He’ll be Orcus on his Throne, and if he has to get up, he’ll salt the land. But SBURB is a game about chess. You’ll have to beat him at wits to get the drop on this man.

Hackneyed Genius/Hi-jinks Gunman

Alignment: Derse

A crazy dersite inventor, identifiable by his mustache (which he always pronounces as MOO-stash) and wearing of two monocles. He can be found in bunkers and other isolated places where he works on inventions. HG will never wear the Ring, instead choosing to study and test with it. He can be recruited by giving him some alchemy equipment. Doing so will allow you to buy alchemized equipment for Boondollars, but he also has combat use. He chooses to hang back and use guns, except they shoot weird things. This usually results in trick bullets and status effects. HG also does more damage against robotic targets.

Hegemonic Brute/Hearts Boxcars/Hulking Berserker

Alignment: Derse

The biggest Agent. Identifiable by how damn big he is by his Heart marking. He is not big on brains. This isn’t to say he’s a moron, but he knows where his strengths are (in his strength). He uses axes, but has also been known to use any big object around. Or cannibalism. He’s big on cannibalism. He’s mostly the muscle, and there isn’t much else to him. He is however really into flushed romance, and will ship the players and everyone else, so be wary.

You can recruit his strength by fulfilling his fantasies by acting lovey dovey with the person he ships you with, even if you fake it.

If he gets the Ring, he will put in on out of curiosity. If it fits his giant armoured sausage fingers, he will become the Hulking Berserker, freak out, and destroy the Incipisphere. It is nearly impossible for him to burn out. Just kill him. He is oddly weak to decapitation.

Jack Noir/Spades Slick/Sovereign Slayer

Alignment: Derse

The Big Man hass... the knif...

Jack Noir is the head of the Derse Agents. The only weapons he needs are his knives. If you anger him, it’s death by stabbing. Most Dersites have grown to fear that shadowy black Spade he wears. Jack Noir is going to be one of your biggest enemies. He thrives off violence and maybe even gets off of it, as he represents Kismesissitude. He’s even pining in black over the Queen. And you’re going to need him. He’ll help you take out the Queen, but make sure she doesn’t die, or he’ll stick your head outside his office as a testament to other players. He’ll also ask you favours to dismantle the Prospit royalty, and hands out infinite Regiswords that do more damage to royalty. Yeah, he just has infinite amounts, it’s a bug that he capitalizes on. As sharp as his knives.

If you exile him, he’ll just start fresh, but this time at the top as Spades Slick. He oft forms a gang known as The Midnight Crew, and they are cruelly efficient.

If Jack gets the Ring, mercy be upon you. The Sovereign Slayer will take the throne. All the thrones. The dead royalty pile will stack in a fast manner. And then he has all the power to take you lot out. It’s widely recognized that a Noir takeover is one of the hardest challenges in SBURB.

Recruiting Jack is a good option as he is powerful in the early game, respectable in the late game, and you’re close enough to betray him. The easiest way to recruit is doling out licorice scotty dogs. Yeah, I don’t know what those are either. So just take one for the team and get shanked. After you’re gushing blood, show reverence and respect for him, and you’ll get on his good terms. Humans and Red-Blooded Trolls have better chances as he’ll be inclined to shed his own blood and show how you two are the same. If you’re a troll session and you’re mutated, just flash him some hemoglobin and threaten the others with Jack if they get all cully.

Jack hates Clowns, will be enraged by them, and does extra damage to them.

Madame Domino

Alignment: Prospit (Zizi)/Derse (Zebra)

The Madames Domino are a a pair of twins. The Prospitian one lives on Derse and dresses in black and the Dersite lives on Prospit and dresses in white. HUH? I think they’re doing a switch or an “exotic musician” thing, because nobody notes them besides how good they are or how nice they look. The Dersite is named Zizi and the Prospitian is named Zebra. They’re pretty cool and make good jazz and pop respectively. Hanging out near them is good stress relief. They can also help make good fraymotifs on their downtime, but are otherwise unrecruitable.

Ms Paint

Alignment: Prospit

She’s a rather cute Prospitian who carries a bucket of paint. Humans think she’s just cute girl. Trolls are either disgusted or turned on. It doesn’t help that whoever made this game gave this single carapace boobs. Sometimes dimorphism is good. She also has a weird trait in that nobody can harm her. They all can’t harm such a cute person. Even Jack Noir, who can only feel hate and bloodlust, will go red for her.

Miss Taylor

Alignment: Derse

A timid lady in Derse who works in a clothing shop. Doing favours for her results in new outfits for you Dream and God Tier clothes. A fan favourite. However, there’s another aspect about her people like. She can be recruited, but has no combat capabilities. This is probably a glitch or bug or just mistake, but Guards and Dames can protect her and get bonuses for protecting someone. In fact, GodsGiftToGrinds, author of the SBURB Glitch Faq, actually noted that he survived a case of being the sole survivor of a Session Wipe by utilizing Miss Taylor. Listen to the real pros here.

Parcel Mistress/Parcel Mister

Alignment: Any

Not one carapace so much as multiple carapaces. These guys are WILD. The Mailing companies evidently hire ninjas because these guys will walk across Battlefields, angry Dream Moons, and places like the Land of Glaciers and Magma (because fuck convection) to deliver their mail. They will deliver. The mail will never fail. They also hand out mail-delivery quests, and these are some of the deadliest quests out there. In addition, they’re largely free spirits and will do anything. They can wear the Ring. They can kill players and royalty. They will deliver. Respect these guys.

Prospitian Sheriff/Problem Sleuth/Pulchritude Saint

Alignment: Prospit

The de facto head of the Prospit Agents. He walks around and investigates crimes from Petty to Serious in a hard-boiled manner. But he has a weird quirk in that he treats the petty crimes as Serious and the serious crimes as Petty. Still, good work ethic. He’s handy with a gun, and is otherwise average at everything else. He’s also been known to form a band of detectives and call himself Problem Sleuth.

PS can be recruited by giving him candy corn which is delicious fuck you, finding his flask for him, and unlocking him from his office. He is also fond of racially diverse murals. If you’re an all Alabaster Human session, that option is blocked. Troll Sessions give him an appreciation for hemospectum diverse murals.

If PS gets the Ring, he becomes the Pulchritude Saint. This is extremely powerful, as he also unlocks the [Sepulchritude] Hope ability and uses it. He can potentially use it in his regular form, but it’s hard to unlock. This man will become a beast. He will also eat every candy corn in the universe.

Psychic Initiate/Pickle Inspector/GodHead Pickle Inspector

Alignment: Prospit

The tallest Prospit Agent. He often spaces out and probably has some sort of mental issue or something because he isn’t entirely upstairs. However, he has access to magic powers, and is willing to help you focus your Aspect powers, as well as help the Royalty and assist PS when needed. 

He can be recruited with copious amounts of candy, but be careful, because he will burst with power.

If he gets his hand on the Ring, he becomes GodHead Pickle Inspector (regardless of if he ever was Pickle Inspector) and will quickly become beyond morality and just sit around, provide indirect help, and also regard the Universe. Note that he messes with the session and now you have to breed the Genesis Pickle, and everything gets made out of Pickle Inspector. Don’t worry about it. It’s also better to have a useless GodHead than an empowered Derse Royal/Rogue Agent, so don’t worry about him. He’ll do his own thing.

Relations Officer/Romance Official

Alignment: Prospit

An older Prospitian who is as weird and obsessed as HB, but without the muscle. He knows all about how people interact and facilitates what he calls a “shipping wall”. He’s mostly useless as he will only use the Ring to marry people off, but he does have one cool feature. The shipping wall can keep track of how everyone feels about each other, and Humans without access to the Replayernet can learn about Troll Romance from him.

Stupefied Warrior/Shambling Wrecker

Alignment: Prospit

A big man who stands around the halls of the Prospit Castle. He does guard duty, but if you bribe him with big legs of meat, say hello to some hired muscle. He’ll put anything in the ground with some brutal combat, and is a great tank. Just be aware that he will get stuck in doors.

Warweary Villein/Weakened Vanguard/Whelpish Viscount

Alignment: Any

A class of carapaces more than one person. They live on the battlefield, but they aren’t soldiers. They’re just trying to live, and will hide and starve all the while. They can be counted on to be help in tactician duties if you want to engage the Black King in war, but don’t hold up in combat. They can also experience trauma and PTSD. Help them, let them help you, but don’t break them.

White King

Alignment: Prospit

The leader of the Prospitians on the Battlefield. He’ll ask you for favours in the war that can be done for Reputation and other boons, but he is destined to lose. He may not always die, but he will fall, and his scepter will break. But in your times of need, if you assist him, he’ll be there to catch you.

White Queen

Alignment: Prospit

The Queen of the Prospitians. She stays on the golden planet to provide help and comfort to her subjects. She is a powerful ally, and can provide boons for help. Mutual assistance. She’s also central to a lot of quests, and responsible for most of the Festivals and Celebrations on Prospit. If she dies, the gold planet dies a little, irreparably. When asking things of her, be polite and courteous. She won’t reject or banish you, but she has a long memory.

[banshee-king]

New Unit Ideas for Sisters of Battle

If GW ever decide to release the Sisters of Battle (SoB) with an actual updated codex with plastic models and new rules, I would like to see some brand-new units. So, I made a list of ideas that I think would benefit a SoB codex. Do note that these are for 7th ed rules, however the ideas themselves still cross over, I mean meltas aren’t going to become long ranged anti-infantry weapons any time soon, and the SoB theme will still remained unchanged in 8th Ed. Warning, this is a veeery long post.

HQ:

Palatine

This used to be a thing several editions ago, basically a weaker version of the Canoness. The SoB have 3 HQ options in the Imperial Agents Codex, the Canoness, Ministorum priest and Uriah Jacobus (character). They really need more Sisters orientated HQs. A Palatine would be great for smaller armies or for players who want to invest less points in the HQ section. The Palatine would be a weaker Canoness, who herself should probably get a little buff to signify the difference.

Banisher

An idea form the Grey Knights 6th Ed codex that was never seen before or after, the Banisher is someone who’s faith is so strong that they repel daemons. In game terms, they have the Preferred Enemy (Daemons) special rule and cause nearby daemons to re-roll their invul saves. This could be applied to certain SoB who are so strong in their praise to the Emperor that their holy words harm daemons of chaos. They would be famous amongst their sisters, and thus worthy of leading small warbands into battle. The SoB don’t have chaplains, librarians, tech-marines or other sub-HQs that fill a little niche. They need more flavour from their HQs and a Banisher could provide some small amount of variation.

Canoness Veridyan

The SoB need more unique characters; they have two and the Celestine wasn’t even in the Imperial Agents codex. Veridyan already has her own model, she’s known, she’s loved, make her a thing. Give her a page of lore, unique wargear and some rules and she’s good to go. Veridyan seriously needs the least amount of work to do. She’s from the Order of Our Martyred Lady, so that’s 1 out of 6 down at least, and while I’m not sure if making 5 other Canoness characters won’t get repetitive, the SoB need at least 1 canoness character.

Penitent Engine Character

Not a whole lot of walker characters in 40k, which is good because it makes this one unique. I’d personally rather see a range of character types than just 50 shades Canonesses, and a Penitent Engine with special rules and beefed up stats would really be something new. Bjorn the Fell Handed would be the only other similar thing, but with different wargear and rules, it wouldn’t feel like the SoB were copying other factions. They’d retain their own feel, crazy nuns. Penitent Engines are convicts however, so leading an army of SoB might not make the most sense. But if Illic Nightspear can lead a host of Aspect Warriors, Old One Eye can lead Tyranids without having synapse, and a Daemon Herald can lead daemons form another god, well this could probably slide.

Exorcist Tank Commander

This one’s a little less original. Sergeant Chronos/Commander Pask/Longstrike already fill this type of HQ option in other codices. But if the SoB had a unique Exorcist tank instead of just the driver, maybe one that was more reliable than d6 attacks, it would stand out and Exorcists feel different to Leman Russ Tanks/Tau Hammerheads/Predators regardless. Or perhaps it could have a single hard hitting attack option to give it a bit more potential against different enemy types. I’ve heard some people say they think the Exorcist is silly, but it’s iconic to me and the SoB wouldn’t be the same without it.

Troops:

Pilgrims

Perhaps a little controversial choice, but the SoB could probably use some cannon fodder in their army. This unit would undoubtedly have men in it, if it wasn’t going to be 100% male that is. But a unit of civilians picking up pitchforks and torches to fight alongside the warriors of the Ecclesiarchy, it’s quite thematic. This unit could be used to tarpit enemies or provide intervening model cover for the Sisters. Add a priest to the unit and you now have a fearless mosh pit, just like Tyranid gribbles. Some might say adding more men to the SoB is counterproductive, and while I personally feel that men should stay in the SoB codex so that 40k is inclusive and not a tug of war for equality, I can see that there would perhaps be better units to add to the SoB codex than remodelled male cultists.

Elites:

Songbird

This one is a tank that focuses around support. Basically my idea for this is a Laud Hailer on steroids. Sisters nearby could roll all leadership tests with 3 dice, taking the lowest two. You could also give some kind of sonic weapon to this tank, the voices of angels could literally burn the souls of your enemies. Between buffing friendlies and bringing fluff-friendly death to enemies, it could have a versatile role while being unique to 40k. The tank could also be driven by a member of the Order Diologus for added effect. This seems thematic to me, but I’d like to hear other’s opinions. Lastly, if GW wants to save money, the Songbird could be a modification to the Exorcist so they can sell two units in one box, everybody wins.

Fast Attack:

Evangelist Squad

This is similar to the Seraphim Squad but more melee oriented. While it would be easy to say ‘Seraphim with chainswords and plasma pistol upgrades’ like Assault Marines, I would again prefer something more unique. Imagine jump pack Sisters with Power Lances and shields. The base Seraphim already have the Hit & Run special rule, which is perfect for units who have varying attacks on the charge. But if the Evangelists got Furious Charge, they’d be S5 AP3 on the charge (with maybe Hammer of Wrath attacks to boot), and then they’d be S3 AP4 in subsequent turns. That’s not game breaking but it does give the SoB some killing potential. As for the combat shield, that gives a 6+ invul save, which the Seraphim already have. I think I’d rather see it stack to a 5+ invul save then have 2+ armour save jump pack units flying around. Finally, GW could sell a box with both Seraphim & Evangelist units, another two in one. I’m trying to make this seem good for GW so they have more reasons to make it so.

Heavy Support:

Battle Chapel

Surely everyone who plays 40k has seen a picture of a tank with a cathedral or whatever on the top of it… well this is that. Eldar have wraithknights, Tau have Riptides, Space Marines have Land Raiders, and Imperial Guard have Baneblades. Sisters need a vehicle with a lot of dakka. How many bolters/flamers/meltas the thing should get is not really important. What I would like to see is a main big (semi) unique gun on the top that differentiates this tank from Land Raiders/Baneblades. I really want the SoB to be different than just female Space Marines. They deserve better. So they should get something like the Thermal Cannon (from the Imperial Knight Errant). It’s 36” S9 Ap1 Large Blast Melta. The Imperium has the tech already, it’s a melta, it would give the SoB some firepower at semi-long range. It’s a perfect match to me.

Siege Cannon

The SoB are the defenders of the Ecclesiarchy, they protect the shrines, temples, chapels and cathedrals across the Imperium, not just hunt down heretics. They should therefore be pretty good at siege defence, but how can they do that when meltas/flamers are so short ranged? They need a longer ranged weapons and I’m thinking one mounted on tracks like the Rapiers from Forgeworld. These weapons platforms could be equipped with a hurricane bolter, inferno cannon, or maybe a twin-linked melta cannon. That’s a 36” range gun, torrent temple, or a 24” blast respectively. So still not that great in terms of range, but it’s better than what they currently have, certainly better than nothing. Get a squad of three of these and the SoB can really hunker down in cover and defend whatever holy shrine they need.

So that’s it for ideas. I think every one of them, aside from maybe the Songbird, can be found in another codex in some similar varying form. But that’s because it’s incredibly hard to create an idea that is absolutely original in its entirety and is not similar to anything else in any way. Overall I tried to keep the SoB theme intact like their holy trinity of bolter/flamer/melta, and not simply copy units or weapons from other codices like Predators or Terminators or just giving the SoB lascannons. I would love to hear other peoples’ thoughts however. Did you have ideas for SoB units? Were mine trash? Any comments are appreciated.

[isakthedragon]

A Dragon Sized Adventure Chapter 24

Chapter 24: HEDGEHOGS! IN! SPACE! (AKA: Where No Hedgehog has Gone Before!)

*Our heroes jump in front of the Super Portal which takes them back to the ARK. Elora and the Professor stay behind so they don't end up as burdens. The other dragons had promised to keep things good while Spyro was gone. Our heroes come out on the other side..*

*The ARK has fallen into disrepair since the multiple times it has fallen out of orbit and then replaced. The government have considered it a total loss and has abandoned it for quite a while now, thinking no one would take it... or so they thought. Although Eggman hasn't wasted too much materials on it, he is slowly having himself and his badniks rebuilding it. Mostly for his ego, but it doesn't hurt to keep your grandpappy's legacy alive right? In any case, he has at least repaired it enough to be walkable again, and most of the old zones have been rebuilt.*

Sonic: "Finally, we're back."

Shadow: "Indeed. But we still have the problem with the Doctor."

Spyro: "Right. I think I want to hard boil an Egg right now."

Sonic laughs. "Woo, that's a good one."

Tails: "I wonder where he is? He's not in either universe..."

*Just then, some Pawns were seen going down the nearby halls.*

Rouge: "What are Eggman's robots doing here?"

Sonic: "Up to no good, for sure. Let's get them!" *Sonic is quick to run after them. Cynder is able to catch up and join him for the fun. Spyro and Shadow go down the other hall in hope of catching up with Sonic.*

-----

ARK Antics Zone

Badniks: Spikebonker: That spike ball is mesmerizing... until it hits your face. Chainspike: Twinkle, twinkle, little spike... how I wonder if you don't poke my face. Mirror: Mirror, mirror, flying around, why must you fill me rounds? Oct: May as well be homing step stones. E-1000: Not Gamma. Spiny: The worst Roomba ever. Falco: Now Space birds. Egg Flyers: Destructible fodder disguised as a 'dangerous' robot. GUN Robots: Mono Beetle: Recon robot, but is useful as a homing step stone too. Gun Beetle: Always good to have some Dakka-dakka. Hornet 6: 6 times the explosive fun! (Can come in 3 and 9 flavors too.) Gold Beetle: Shiny! New Badniks: Galacdus / Stardus: A yellow Unidus/Orbinaut that has spiky versions of the rocky planets spinning around. Trekkie Pawns: Egg Pawns that dress in Star Trek uniforms. They come complete with a fully operational phaser! Egg Pawn?: The Pawn that you need to get the coordinates from. He looks simple compared to the others. Pretty simple right? Well...

-----

*Sonic and Cynder come riding up an elevator and notice an 'Egg Pawn' ahead of them.*

Sonic notices it and tries to smash it. Unfortunately, the Egg Pawn runs off, strangely like Sonic by doing a Super Peel Out down the halls.

Sonic: "Finally, Eggman made his robots a challenge! Let's chase it!"

Cynder: "Okay. But I can't keep up with you."

Sonic: "Yeah... well, I'll go slower for you, okay?"

Cynder: "Good."

ARK Antics Zone Act 1: Ah. The ARK, it's been a long time since we been here... and it's time we took a trip down memory lane. We're here in the Lost Colony portion of the ARK. And, what a surprise, there are plenty of badniks about. But here and there, you might spy a GUN robot patrolling around.

*Upon seeing a GUN Beetle.* Sonic: "I wonder what they are doing here... I hope GUN doesn't mind."

(An Appropriate music choice for you guys!)

There's nothing much to note here. Most of the doors are unlocked save for a few locked by GUN robots. Destroying badniks and GUN robots will raise the light level too. There is a lot of treasure about though, mostly from what badniks and brought into the ARK. Spyro would love it if you collected them.

At the end, you'll be met with the 'Sonic' Pawn. The Act ends...

Sonic: "There's nowhere to run, you faker!"

*Just then the wall behind him raises, revealing doors that go into the halls of the ARK. The Pawn peels out that way and loses Sonic and Cynder as they try to keep up.*

Gem Count: 2500

Achievement Unlocked: A Dark Run

-----

*We meet up with Shadow and Spyro, who have ended up in the long corridors of the ARK.*

Spyro: "My... this place is huge! Almost as big as our castles."

Shadow: "Indeed. Maria said a similar thing that this place is huge. It's strange, this place looks repaired since the last time I came here... I wonder if The Doctor did this."

Spyro: "Well, all this stuff is new for me. We aren't advanced as you guys... at least known to me."

Shadow: "Yeah, but you guys don't need this stuff. Most of it is weapons of war. Things like me..." *He pauses.* "... weren't necessarily top priority."

Spyro is aware of Shadow's feelings. "Right... Don't worry about it too much, Shadow. At least you got friends who care about you."

Shadow: "Yeah... thanks."

*The 'Sonic' Pawn Peels by them.*

Spyro: "Wow! What was that?"

Shadow: "Looks like the Doctor wants to pressure Sonic with a speed matching pawn. Heh, let's smash it."

Spyro: "Yeah!" *They chase after it.*

ARK Antics Zone Act 2: Now we are in the old halls that Shadow had memories of. This is the halls of The Doom and Lost Impact. More badniks patrol these halls and more GUN robots are around too.

*Commenting on a GUN robot* Shadow: "Hmmm, GUN did ask us to dismantle the robots since they are worthless. Might as well destroy them."

(Can you believe there is very little of remixes on The Doom or Lost Impact. At least I found this...)

Once again, nothing has really changed in the halls of the ARK. Just make it to the hall the goal ring was in Lost Impact, where you'll find the Sonic Pawn.

Gem Count: 2500

Achievement Unlocked: Times of Playing Hide and Seek with Maria

-----

Shadow: "He shouldn't be able to escape, Spyro. That door doesn't lead anywhere easy to access."

*Unfortunately, the doors open and the Sonic Pawn peels out and flies into space.*

Spyro: "What? Did he..."

*They walk to the edge to see rails below, the Sonic Pawn grinding upon them. Behind them, Sonic and Cynder approach.*

Sonic: "Where did he go?" *Sonic is clearly bothered that Eggman made a formidable Pawn.

Spyro: "Down those rails."

*In an instant, Sonic jumps onto the rails below. Shadow hurriedly joins Sonic.*

Cynder: "Should we follow them?"

Spyro: "Yeah, but let's fly ahead. I think I can see from here where they will go."

*They both fly ahead as the Act begins with Sonic and Shadow.*

ARK Antics Zone Act 3: It wouldn't be a trip in the ARK if you didn't go through Space itself. And here is where Eggman's creativity comes into play since he knows who would be most likely to be running around here (Sonic, for instance). There are rails and platforms connected around all over the place. It would give Final Chase and Final Rush a run for their stage's wackiness.

(Heh, can't forget music like this.)

Surviving those crazy rails will lead you to a ride on one of the ARK Transit Systems into the ARK again. It's now a quick run through the halls of Space Gadget and Crazy Gadget. Nothing much has been changed in them, save for maybe a few more gravity changers. At the end, after handling the colored blocks puzzle, you'll find another ARK Transit System. Grabbing on will lead to the 3rd and final section.

*The ARK Transit drops Sonic and Shadow off on a long tunnel of rubble, at the end, Spyro and Cynder are waiting.*

Sonic: "Wait, how did you guys get here so fast? I thought we ran through those sections pretty quickly..."

Spyro: "We wouldn't be dragons if we didn't see well enough. I determined from the structures both would wind up here."

Sonic: "Oh."

Spyro: "And it's a good thing too, there's very little ground this way. Hop on, we'll take you."

*They do so as the final section begins.*

Oooh! A flying section! And people who have played the Speedways or used those flying power up gates in Spyro should have an easy time here (Even people who have used those Black Volts in Shadow the Hedgehog should be able to get this). It's just a nice flight past all the 0-G debris of The ARK and Cosmic Fall. Well, it would be nice, but you got all those flying robots and badniks around. But Spyro's fireball and Cynder's tornadoball (It's a Wind version of the fireball) will make short work of everything in your way. When you reach the end, you'll somehow find that Sonic Pawn again Peeling into the cannon part of the ARK.

Gem Count: 2500

Achievement Unlocked: The ARK Tour

ARK Antics Zone Act 4: We all knew it was going to end here in Cannon's Core. One last chase of the Sonic Pawn through the ascents and descents of the ARK to its watery center. Nothing has changed much, save for more platforms and hallways connecting the sections of Cannon's Core. Fight your way through the waves of badniks until you reach the artificial Master Emerald Shrine, where the Sonic Pawn awaits. It runs around the shrine, but its got nowhere left to run, so go and have Sonic dismantle it with a homing attack.

(Can't forget the Cannon's Core music)

Gem Count: 2500

Achievement Unlocked: The Dark Side of The Moon

-----

*After Sonic destroys the Pawn.*

Sonic: "It was a good challenge, Eggman, but I still beat it!" *He looks at the others.* "Thanks for the help, guys."

Spyro: "Of course."

Cynder: "You're welcome."

Shadow: "Indeed." *He looks at the Sonic Pawn.* "Hmmm, I think we should take this Pawn to Tails. I have a strange feeling about it."

Sonic: "Alright then."

*They carry it back to the R&D sector where the others waited.*

Sonic: "Heh, look what we smashed, Tails!" *They show Tails the Sonic Pawn.*

Tails inspects it and downloads its data onto his Miles Electric. Although it is still a control interface, it can now also show video if need be, like showing camera footage... "Hmm, quite a sophisticated Pawn, being able to do Super Peel Outs like you. But it sure is different from normal Pawns we've fought. It's like Eggman wanted us to look at it."

Rouge: "It may be a trap... but we need to know where Eggman is."

Tails: "Yeah... hey, this Pawn has some really important footage. Look!"

*He uploads it on a nearby monitor. It shows (The cutscene form near the beginning of this story of) Eggman putting in coordinates for somewhere and then him telling the Pawn to put the coordinates of Spyro's world again. Eggman disappears and puts the new coordinates and runs off.*

Sonic: "Oh, Eggman, you are so wrong!"

Tails: "Okay, Sonic, hang on."

*He writes down the coordinates of Spyro's world, then puts in the coordinates of Crash's world. The portal collapses and the new portal opens.*

Sonic: "Sweet, thanks Tails. Now, to scramble Eggman!" *He quickly jumps in the portal.*

Tails: "Oh, Sonic..." *He jumps in the portal too and the others follow...*

Next Time: Time to visit the Tropics of N. Sanity Island.

[okami-117]

Voltron based questions by lotorlicious and tryforce for Grayisles

Voltron: Which Lion do you think you would pilot? Why?

red, keith.....

Shiro: If you were given the chance to change the past, would you?

No! No butterfly effects here!

Keith: Do you consider yourself an aggressive or passive person?

in game - aggro, reality - passive

Lance: Are you a flirtatious person? Lance level flirting?

no... i suck at it

Hunk: Do you know how to cook/bake?

(waves hand in the sort of gesture)

Pidge: Who are the people you value the most?

Dad, Sis, Mikey, and my friends

Allura: What would be the first thing you do if you wake up after 10,000 years?

Pee, shower, internet, roam the new world before i get caught by the humans of 10, 000 year future.

Coran: What was your worst “phase”?

Trying to be emo in elementary because of avril lavigne and falls causing Dad to laugh and ask why i was covered in coal dust and ash.

Zarkon: Do you think revenge is wrong?

yes (says this while feeding info to the killer in Dead By Daylight against the asshole teammates)

Haggar: Are you obsessed over something? Someone?

any game, show or book series that catches my interest.

Lotor: What would you be exiled for?

um... i don’t know... mabe for not bringing enough dakka-dakka

Galra Empire: Who is your favorite Galra character?

design wise? Kolivan. Voice wise? Ulaz. like because of a theory? Thace

Blade of Marmora: Who has the best character design?

hm...... looks between Shiro and

Matt Holt: Are you more “nerdy” or “sporty”?

nerd...

Balmerans: Are you good at reading other peoples emotions?

no

Olkari: Do you have a close connection with nature?

(eats deer meat) sure...?

Kuron: Would you want a clone of yourself? Why?

yes, because I could

Honerva: Do you have any pets?

1 cat and 1 dog

Alfor: What is your best friend like?

small, kind, wise, gentle-yet firm

Weblum: What is your favorite Voltron episode?

i have too many....

Slav: What are your ships? No discourse allowed.

Sven: Would you sacrifice your life for someone you barely know?

Depends, are they important? Are they needed? Are they loved? Would it change fate fo the worse if they died?

Space Mice: What are your favorite animals?

Wolves (hugs the cosmic wolf Keith adopted)

KALTENECKER: Who is your favorite Voltron character?

Keith!

Paladin: When did you start watching Voltron?

Finding it on netflix

Paladin: Would you be willing to drop everything for a good cause?

depends on the cause

Hunk: If you’re in college, what’s your major? If you’re in high school what’s your favorite class?

high school and art class

Lance: Are you a ride or die friend?

yes

Keith: Do you prefer to be alone or do you enjoy the company of others?

depends on some days

Pidge: What’s your relationship like with your family?

tense (with mom and stepdad, as well as grandmother), happy (sis and Dad)

Allura: How likely are you to ask for help when you need it?

(holds fingers in a little gesture)

Shiro: If you could go back and change one thing in your life what would it be?

i don’t know

Voltron: Which lion do you think would choose you and why?

uuuuuuuuuh... yellow or blue? I don’t know!

Coran: Would you consider yourself “quirky?”

yes

Matt Holt: Describe your personality in one word.

seesaw

Alfor: What is your biggest regret?

i’m... keeping that one to myself

Zarkon: To what lengths would you go for the ones you love?

not dying for them and turning into a space zombie

Haggar: What do you value most? Thought or feeling?

thought

Honerva: What do you “nerd out” over?

anything i like

Lotor: Are you proud of where you come from?

Utah? yes

Blade of Marmora: Do you have a favorite Galra character, if so who?

WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE?! (Kolivan, Thace, Korlia... Keith)

Weblum: What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done?

Tubing down rapids in the river next to Virgin Utah

Balmerans: How empathetic would you consider yourself?

meh...?

Olkari: Are you outdoorsy? Why or why not?

A little... as long as I have a cool place to sleep and plenty of food.

Slav: Who are you in your group of friends?

idk

Kuron: What’s your biggest fear?

heights? bugs? (shrugs)

Sven: Do you believe in alternate dimensions and what would your alternate self be like?

Space Mice: Who are you bonded to so much that you could almost read their thoughts?

No one i know of

Kaltenecker: What’s the most beautiful sight you’ve ever seen?

The stars at night in Virgin, Utah... I drift to it when i sleep.

@grayisles, @lotorlicious, and @tryforce

[thedargonden]

[9] ORIE’S HATCHDAY BONANZA

October 25th, XX19

Orie's hatchday.

11:55 AM.

TAFLA: "Phoenix, can you pass me that streamer? We're almost done decorating."

Tafla is standing on her hind legs reaching up to the ceiling and attempting to hang a disco ball while holding her other hand out toward Phoenix. Phoenix is sitting on the sofa with party decorations laid out on the coffee table.

PHOENIX: "You said we were almost done half an hour ago. I don't think we need anymore decorations."

TAFLA: "Orie likes a lot of decorations! Just pass it over here!"

PHOENIX: "Fine. You're going to clean this up when we're done though."

Phoenix grabs a pink streamer roll from the table and tosses it to Tafla. The roll of streamer unravels in midair, creating a streamer tail before landing on the floor and the tail drifting to the ground.

TAFLA: "That's the spirit! See? Isn't that fun? Also maybe this would look better without streamers attached to the ball."

PHOENIX: "Whatever, Lady.."

TAFLA: "Hey, Arakados. Good job with the balloons, but there's not much need for more."

Arakados is at the table with Phoenix's laptop, finishing blowing up balloons of all shapes and sizes and materials.

They give an OK hand sign and then grab a handful of long cylindrical balloons.

They quickly twist blue, silver, and purple ones into a balloon dragon Orie, and sets it on the table.

TAFLA: "Absolutely marvelous, Arakados! How did you learn to do that?"

They simply take their claws and squeeze their snout horn twice and a honking sound comes out.

PHOENIX: "Arakados, can you PLEASE put down that honker, it's driving me crazy!"

ARAKADOS: "Oki"

Arakados sets down a honking horn they held in their other hand on the table.

PHOENIX: "Who are you trying to impress, anyway?"

Tafla finally successfully attaches the disco ball to the ceiling.

She looks down to Phoenix as she picks gets down from the chair to pick up the dropped pink streamer roll.

TAFLA: "Well... Orie, of course. It's HER hatchday!"

Tafla gets back up on the chair, quickly tying it to the ceiling in a loop around the disco ball.

Footsteps from the basement stairs can be heard by the three dragons in the room.

TAFLA: "Shhh! Everyone hide!"

Tafla steps down from the chair and quickly opens the fridge. She shapeshifts to fill the entire space inside and closes the door quietly.

Arakados hides behind the sofa with their snoot poking a bit out from behind.

PHOENIX: "No thanks. I'm just going to stay here."

Tafla opens up the fridge again.

TAFLA: "Phoenix! Hide! You're going to ruin it!"

PHOENIX: "ORIE! SURPRISE! IT'S YOUR HATCHDAY! How's that, Tafla?"

TAFLA: "Early! That's how it is! Now hide!"

PHOENIX: "It's not a big deal if I'm seen. It'll already be a surprise seeing all the decorations."

TAFLA: "But it's a SURPRISE party! That's how SURPRISE parties work! You hide and when the hatchday dragon comes in, you yell-"

ORIE: "What in the fresh prince is going on in here??"

Orie looks around the room.

Hundreds of streamers hang from the ceiling around the stationary disco ball behind the sofa and in the center of the whole room.

Next to the table, near the window, there's many large rectangular shaped presents of various colors.

On the table, next to Phoenix's laptop are dozens of Tafla's runestone tablets spread out.

PHOENIX: "Happy hatchday or whatever. God, I can't believe I'm saying this."

Tafla bounces out of the fridge, knocking some of the food and produce out on the floor.

TAFLA: "SURPRISE!"

Orie immediately notices Arakados behind the sofa.

ORIE: "Wow. This is a lot of streamers!

And Dakka! That's a silly hiding place! I can still see your snoot!"

ARAKADOS: "I'm not heeeereeeeee"

Orie notices the balloon Orie set on top of the runestones.

ORIE: "OH MY GOD, IS THAT..."

Orie quickly runs over to the table then gently and awkwardly picks up the balloon Orie with her left arm, which is still in the dragon splint.

ORIE: "DAKKA, DID YOU DO THIS FOR ME?"

Arakados stands up and nods their head.

ARAKADOS: "Yissssssssssss"

ORIE: "Thank you so much! This looks so good!"

Arakados does another OK hand gesture, grabs Phoenix's laptop, and slinks out of the room with it.

ORIE: "Oh, I guess there they go."

PHOENIX: "Arakados! Where are you taking my laptop???"

Phoenix reaches out toward the hall doorway.

ARAKADOS: "Nowherrreeeeee"

PHOENIX: "Ugh... Whatever."

TAFLA: "Orie! You ready for the hatchday traditional song?"

ORIE: "Oh yeah! How does it go again?"

Tafla grasps her hands with Orie's right hand.

Both dragons begin to sway in place as Tafla sings to Orie.

TAFLA: "Have a happy hatchday! RHAWR!

One more year has passed! RHAWR!

Happy happy hatchday! RHAWR!

Don't dwell on the past! RRRHHHAAAWWWRRR!"

On the last rhawr, Tafla yelled pretty loud. Loud enough to force Phoenix to cover her ears.

Phoenix mutters to herself.

PHOENIX: "Drek, that's so annoying."

ORIE: "What was that, Phoenix?"

PHOENIX: "Uh. Happy hatchday. That's what I said. Nothing else. Heheh."

Phoenix slinks into the couch cushions in anxiety.

TAFLA: "You want to open your presents?"

ORIE: "Cheesecake first! Please?"

TAFLA: "We would... but we don't have enough room for cheesecake on the table. Presents first."

ORIE: "Aw... What's with the runestones on the table anyway?"

Tafla lets Orie go and smirks at her.

TAFLA: "It may... or may not... have something to do with one of your presents"

ORIE: "Ooh! Do I get my own runestones you carved for me?"

TAFLA: "Well, yes... But that's not the only reason!

I'll show you after you unwrap the ones near the window first"

Orie moves toward those presents, which tower over her. They look like thin, tall rectangles with various colors of craft paper covering them.

ORIE: "Ooh! What are they? I bet they're something weird or cool from one of your adventures!"

TAFLA: "Adventures?"

ORIE: "Oh. I'd always assumed you'd gone on adventures into lost temples, or old shrines or something after I moved out."

TAFLA: "Ha. Not quite. But it IS something more useful to you that we could probably set up later!"

Orie attempts to drag one of the 4 rectangular boxes with both arms, but her left arm begins to hurt from the strain.

ORIE: "Ow. These are heavy! A little help?"

TAFLA: "Oh, right. I forgot."

Tafla scoots past Orie and sets one upright, almost hitting the ceiling.

TAFLA: "Should I open this too? Or do you think you could do that on your own?"

ORIE: "I'll try a bit, but you could open it more fully if you want afterward."

Orie uses her right claws to pierce through the white and pink polka-dotted wrapping paper.

ORIE: "What is this? Silver wood?"

Phoenix, barely paying attention and on her phone looks over.

PHOENIX: "Wood? As a hatchday present? Ha."

Orie tears the wrapping paper more fully toward the right side and she touches a metal ball attached to the wood.

ORIE: "What?"

Orie pulls the wrapping paper outward on each side and she realizes...

ORIE: "It's a door! Tafla, are all of these presents right here DOORS??"

PHOENIX: "Oh my god, fucking FINALLY!"

TAFLA: "Uh, huh!"

ORIE: "We've NEEDED doors for a LONG TIME! You're right! this IS useful!"

TAFLA: "I knew you'd like it!"

Orie walks over to the other 3 door presents and rips a hole in the sides of the wrapping.

ORIE: "You got me that silver one, and a blue one, a purple one, and a blue and yellow one?"

TAFLA: "That one I thought would be for you and your boyfriend's room."

PHOENIX: "About time you two got a room that was closed off."

ORIE: "What? I don’t get it.

PHOENIX: “You’ll figure it out when you’re older.”

As Orie stares at Phoenix obliviously, Tafla glares at Phoenix.

ORIE: “Wait, Tafla, what does this have to do with your runestones?" 

TAFLA: "Well, you see... I thought I'd give you another present that would help you a lot... Something I know you have been wanting of mine for a long while."

Orie looks around the room.

ORIE: "There aren't any more presents though... what are you talking about?"

TAFLA: "Oh, there aren't? I must have left it in your new dimensional bag."

ORIE: "My new dimensional-"

Tafla grabs the dark bag hanging on her shoulder and hands it to Orie.

ORIE: "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE GIVING THIS TO ME?"

TAFLA: "Yes ma'am!"

ORIE: "NOW that makes sense! You emptied your bag! You don't have to do this, really. I'm fine without it."

TAFLA: “Actually, those runestones are all stuff I don’t need anymore.“

Orie looks at the bag. She never looked at Tafla’s bag so closely before! The ceiling light radiates off of it with a powerful and colorful glint. The many markings on the bag glow a faint hazy green. Looking Deeply into the markings gives her a really good sense that whenever they’re green like this, it means it’s pretty close to empty.

After examining the bag for a couple of moments, a distant vision of a snowglobe, shadows, and fire appears in her mind. Hrm...

TAFLA: "Nope. It's all yours!"

ORIE: "What about all your other runestones? I thought you stored all of them inside this one!"

TAFLA: "Don’t worry, I’ve done some renovations back at home, and... let’s just say I have a brilliant place for all them now!"

Orie looks back to the bag, ignoring the now stronger visions of shadows and flames.

ORIE: "How does this thing work?"

TAFLA: "When you put something inside, its state will freeze until it's taken back out. And all you need to do to take it back out is to think of what you want taken out, and it would materialize in your hand. Intention matters a lot with it.

Try it! Reach in there and think about having some delicious cheesecake!"

ORIE: "Oke!"

Orie rests the bag over her right shoulder and reaches her right hand inside the liquidy feeling void inside. She thinks about cheesecake. The graham cracker-like crust. The cheesy desert... uh... rest of the cake.

The taste... oh, the taste. It tastes like... cheesecake. She can just imagine biting into one right this moment.

Suddenly, she starts to feel something in her hand... plastic. A large circular container of some sort? Is it really?

She pulls it out... and....

ORIE: "Oh my! A cheesecake!"

Inside the plastic container, the cheesecake reads 'Happy hatchday, Orie!' with whipped cream.

TAFLA: "And that's why I said presents first!"

ORIE: "Oh my god, Tafla, you're the best! You always know how to make great structured surprises out of a hatchday celebration!"

TAFLA: "You know it!"

Orie goes in for a hug, and Tafla slowly drops her smile after a moment and sighs.

TAFLA: "Well... there's still one present I didn't get to give you..."

ORIE: "Oh?"

TAFLA: "And it's... the truth about your hatchparent and guardparent."

Orie lets go of Tafla and looks at her in embarrassment.

ORIE: "Oh. Is this about what I said the other day? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to push you into telling me."

TAFLA: "No... it was a valid question...

I should have told you about them before... I just didn't know how..."

Tafla leads Orie to the sofa to sit her down next to Phoenix on the sofa, who quickly throws her phone on the sofa seat next to her, pretending she was paying attention the whole time.

Orie sets the cheesecake on the coffee table, in front of where Tafla sits.

TAFLA: "Your hatchparent is an Idnagol. He was an old friend of mine back before the massacre maybe 5 years before you hatched.

As you already know, Logi is a healing sorcerer and-"

ORIE: "Logi? Like the one who wrote those Dreki Studies books?"

Orie gestures to the book set on the TV stand behind Tafla.

TAFLA: "Yes. He wrote those specifically for you."

ORIE: "Oh."

TAFLA: "Anyway, Logi disguised himself as a Myrkur to protect himself during the massacre, and apparently fell in love with a peaceful Myrkur.

But... before you were hatched, your... guardparent started becoming... crazy, which i won't get into why right now because that's a whole new can of wyrms I don't want to open."

ORIE: "What's my guardparent's name?"

Phoenix squints her eyes and braces herself for Tafla's response.

TAFLA: "Her name is Perseus. When you hatched, she tried killing you, but Logi saved you and ran away. He then gave you to me to protect you.

She's actually now currently the queen of Myrkurs after killing who she needed to, including the old queen.

I don't know how she would have been able to kill so many dragons while never being seen herself, though."

Tears drip from Phoenix's eyes and she starts breathing harder.

ORIE: "Phoenix? You okay?"

PHOENIX: "It was me..."

ORIE: "What was you, Phoenix?"

PHOENIX: "I'm sorry... I didn't have a choice... Perseus forced me to-"

Phoenix shakes her head and wipes the tears from her eyes.

She takes a deep breath while Tafla looks at the ground in understanding.

ORIE: "You know my...?

Phoenix? It's okay. Whatever it was, if you were forced to do some things by... my guardparent, it's in the past. It's okay now. You don't have to worry about it..."

Phoenix nods as Orie leans on her side to possibly help her cheer up.

ORIE: "You can tell me about Perseus another time... It's upsetting Phoenix."

Tafla blinks at Phoenix thoughtfully and then to Orie with worry.

She sighs.

TAFLA: "I... don't know what else I can say... I told you all I know. Other than Logi cared about you, a lot, which is why he had to give you up to me. And maybe Perseus would too, if it weren't for Draumur..."

ORIE: "Draumur?"

Something inside her draws her eyes back to the bag over her shoulder. A clear vision of a shadowy dragon with fire coming out of their eyes, mouth, and nose appears in her mind.

Tafla's eyes widen as she realizes she said that.

TAFLA: "I don't know. Something that happened a long time ago, but again... can of wyrms... don't want to open... sorry."

ORIE: "Can you please tell me? I feel like it's important for me to know."

TAFLA: "I'm sorry, it's not... a good story. Especially with... your friend there having... certain ties. I might tell you another time, but let's just celebrate your hatchday for now, alright?"

Orie sighs.

ORIE: "Okay. Thank you for telling me about my family, at least a little bit."

Phoenix opens her eyes and looks to Orie.

PHOENIX: "Can I leave now...?"

ORIE: "Sure, but before you do, you get the first slice of cheesecake."

PHOENIX: "But you love cheesecake more than me. And plus, it's YOUR hatchday. Not mine."

ORIE: "I care about YOU being happy more right now."

Phoenix huffs with a smirk.

PHOENIX: "If that's how you really feel, at least take a bite out of a slice at the same time as me so I won't feel like I'm stealing your attention or something."

ORIE: "Of course!"

Tafla opens the box of cheesecake and takes the butter knife from inside to cut the cheesecake and begins Orie’s hatchday celebration.

Meanwhile, in Phoenix's Lair, Arakados still searches through the laptop for secrets.

ARAKADOS: "Hrm..."

After looking through plenty of stuff again, they start to get frustrated... until they remember about the hidden items check box.

They click the view tab of the file explorer, and check the hidden items box one more time, which they were sure they had checked plenty of times before.

This time though, they don't leave the computer. They begin to search everywhere from the start.

Throughout the Terabyte worth of files and folders on this computer.

This may take a while... but suspecting Phoenix knows that they were searching for her secret, they'll uncheck the hidden items box and close the file explorer up whenever taking a break, and just take a mental note of where they left off.

Using this method... they'd bound to find her secret some time.